I am 32 and I have diaper rash…

When you start biking whether it be road, cross, mountain bike or what have you….everyone has to tell you about the products, brands and items they endorse even though few, if any of these opinionated riders, receive compensation or sponsorships for their brand placement. Shimano Durrace shifters are discussed so often, they are mentioned in a You Tube video. Have you discussed hubs with someone? Did they tell you “Chris King is the THING to have…?” but did you discuss your chamois cream with anyone yet?

First, until cycling, I was unaware that there was a market for “crotch emollients”. As a former runner, I am a huge fan of Body Glide which looks like deodorant without the pleasant smell. Body glide prevents chaffing on long runs where even the best sewn seam in a shirt can become a horrible discouraging deterrent to finishing your marathon (Ever heard of red nipples? Yeah…). So, it does seem only natural that there are products designed for your buttocks on long rides.

Sure enough….one, two, three long rides into this training, I noticed my “bits” were quite uncomfortable, to the point, I began taking on the cowboy stride after a ride. It was time to realize that at the age of 32, I had diaper rash or in this case, chamois rash. Even the best padded shorts out there CANNOT prevent diaper rash. However, now the concern was choosing the right cream for a very delicate part of the body.

I asked a lot of people…”Hey! What do you smear on your ass before a ride?”…with a variety of answers including some homemade concoctions that need not be mentioned in public (you want me to put Crisco where?). However, time and time again, people recommended butt paste. Huh? What? What the heck is butt paste? It is what it is…..paste for your butt or in my case, my sits bones. Originally designed for delicate baby skin strapped in a sweaty, stinky diaper all day….this stuff is the cure for those who cannot vocalize that their rear is on fire. I can vocalize it and I made a “rash dash” for the baby section of my nearest Target store to stock up and put the fire out.

Sure enough, there in the baby aisle, next to calming lavender bath wash, baby oil assortment, and aloe drenched diaper wipes was a bright yellow tube, Bourdeaux Butt Paste. I was afraid of what others might think if I purchased it and ran to the bathroom in the store, so I waited until I got home for a moment of instant relief….and I do mean INSTANT.

The consistency of “butt paste” is that of old school paste in a jar. It does not smell bad like Ben Gay but it does not smell like a pot of fresh cut roses either. The package says it is for chaffing skin….which trust me….that’s what I have. The instructions say to “apply a liberal amount to the affected area.” There is no dignified way of doing this and liberal is subjective but I have found that propping a foot up on the edge of the commode offers the best advantage point. Now, in my list of necessities which includes an extra tube, co2 cartridge, and snack…I also must apply butt paste before going on a ride.

So, this is MY PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT of which I receive NO compensation for. If you cycle…and you find your crotch a bit uncomfortable after a ride…GET SOME BOURDEAUX BUTT PASTE. Do not worry about mothers staring at you in the baby aisle while wearing spandex (I went RIGHT after a ride which if I had waited, I might not have gotten so many stares)…this is about the comfort of your butt….get some paste, apply it liberally and let your butt thank you with the reward of a smooth ride with little or no discomfort.