Monday, February 1, 2010

Dear Phil…

What a silly tradition….to pull out a rather sluggish, tempered, obese ”land beaver” (literally, a rodent) from a tee stump to either announce the early arrival of Spring or another six weeks of winter. What a silly charade for people to get caught up in. It does not warrant a day on the calendar or people parading around in top hats but for some reason, it happens. It’s not like this tale is TRUE. It is not like this mammal with a single digit I.Q. is actually a scientist during the other 364 days of the year and able to predict the weather, right? RIGHT? SOMEONE AGREE WITH ME!

Wives tale or not, Phil, I am here to tell you that you had better not see your damn shadow tomorrow. If you DO see your shadow, which traditionally proclaims ANOTHER long SIX weeks of winter, I am merely putting a warning out there that you had better watch your spiny-haired back. While I like my Ksyrium's, I am not afraid to taco my rims and take you out if need be. I suspect hundreds or thousands of other cyclists may be thinking (or plotting) the same thing. Basically, I am merely throwing caution your way-- alerting you to the fact that should you frighten your ol' self (Really? Over 100? C'mon buddy) with your gray shadow, you may also want to join th witness protection program for groundhogs. If you cannot locate such a program (I suspect this really does not exist, sorry), then I would lay low for a while, at least until cyclists can enjoy back to back days of riding, spinning our legs out, and stretching our limits.

You see Phil, like you, cyclists who live in a quad-season land, are forced to endure weeks without cycling, sunshine, or warm temperatures. Unlike you, however, we do not hibernate. Life goes on, without riding. We can fake a ride on a trainer, rollers, or find some other cardiovascular activity but it is not the same. You understand? It would be like pulling your svelte jiggly body out of a tattered box, rather than the traditional tree stump….it just WOULD NOT BE THE SAME.

So, I am encouraging you Phil to think about tomorrow….mull over how your senseless, tireless tradition has drug on and for the love of God, do NOT locate your shadow tomorrow morning. I know there is a lot of pressure with cameras, music, children eagerly watching for you to pop out of the tree stump. You have a full day of activities and I respect that. But Phil, you need to dig deep and think about all the cyclists out there who are sitting around at home bustling with energy. We need Spring and we need it now…NOT six weeks from now. I would advise for the health and safety of all around you, please IGNORE your shadow, find a new hobby, consider retirement to Hawaii or Peru....and then we can all live happily ever after.

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