Wednesday, February 10, 2010

F*&k You Winter!

I have never killed a man (thank goodness)…and honestly I am not sure I actually could unless my life was in imminent danger. However, if I could get my hands around winter’s neck, I would bleed the life out of this season! This NEW year has been a meteorological clusterf*&k! Blame it on global warming, blame it on El Nino, El Nina…whatever, this winter is similar to the ones from my early childhood. The only difference is, I am too old, feeble, and disinterested in being covered in ice to care about sledding and building a snowman. Stick figure arms SUCK anyway! I want to ride my bike! I want to be outside without 6-10 comfort layers, without hand warmers, and actually burn some calories off this catatonic body.

I am wound pretty tight and without some outdoor activity soon, I may literally crawl out of my skin, snap on some elderly person, or yell at babies. Yes, I may yell at a baby—just stand back! You know who I intend to blame for my rude, inconsiderate outbursts? WINTER! I am blaming everything on this sucky craptastic nightmare of a season. My pale white Elmer’s glue colored skin….is because of WINTER. My dirty, filthy, brine covered car can be blamed on WINTER. My lack of patience with ordinary people, may actually be blamed on my upbringing, but for now, I will blame that too on WINTER! My disinterest in socialization and malaise about life in general can only be blamed on ONE THING….DAMN WINTER!

For the record, if Spring decides to be a self-centered needy rainy wet b*%ch…then I warn you now world, my anger and disgust will only build. I will have to blame Spring for my jelly like legs, my slowness on hills, and my discontent for all things wet. I think it is obvious that my state of being is basically permanent PMS and if I will yell at a baby, then I will yell at you too. Winter has turned me into a nasty creature…I apologize now for my rambling discontent (blame that too on Winter).

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